What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 05:47
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
What are some things that children used to wait for, but are no longer common in today's society?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
How do you recognize when your mental health might need attention?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
How many trans people are lawful gun owners?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do people who were very kind and loving once become cold-hearted?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
She found it foreign!.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Im still living with it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Do you have any problem dating a younger man?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
All the time i was locked up.
She married twice! .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But, we were locked up after school.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.